Below is my 100 word (ish) submission to the Friday Fictioneers. Photo prompt this week is courtesy of Jan Wayne Fields.
As always, comments are appreciated. I will try to read everyone’s submission, but with submissions reaching triple digits each week, it’s sometimes difficult to get round to each one. Therefore, I will tend to read those who I follow, or who like / comment my story. And finally, I also try for a random selection from the list.
Finally, a quick word on the weekly challenge. The Friday Fictioneers are a friendly group of online writers from all over the globe who endeavour to create short but fantastical tales with which to enthral and inspire both reader and writer alike. The genres and styles of writing are varied, so there’s something for everyone to be found within its midst.
PHOTO PROMPT -Copyright – Jan Wayne Fields
Duty Calls
Wolves gather at the door, my friend, but with them comes circumstance.
I pause, quill dripping ink to splash unnoticed onto yellowing parchment. The letter needs rewriting, but I am too distracted.
Outside, a squad forms, pathfinders to blaze a trail through the mountain. Their sojourn, I hope, will offer escape from this outpost, besieged as we are by an army that offers no mercy.
With sunset approaching, I nod to my squire. A boy of fifteen winters, he struggles silently with his armour, ready to serve no matter the cost.
I allow him his stoicism, if only to spare him the coming horror. Freed from my writing, I stand; war beckons, and with it, a duty to survive.
Weltchys Notebook 
August 14, 2014 at 9:13 am
A real sense of time and history in this short piece; nice. The only bit which puzzled me was ‘the wall beckoned’ – obviously you don’t mean this literally, but I’m not sure what wall you mean.
Claire
August 14, 2014 at 9:55 am
Thanks for reading. The original draft was 170 words and probably made more sense, but after cutting out some content further up, I probably lost the context of the wall. Anyway, after Rochelle’s comment, I’ve Just made a quick adjustment, and switched out ‘For the wall beckons’, with ‘War beckons’. Hopefully fixes the confusion
August 14, 2014 at 9:36 am
Dear Welchy,
This reminds me of the lieutenant’s log in Dances With Wolves. Nicely done. Could you mean “war beckons?”
Shalom,
Rochelle
August 14, 2014 at 9:58 am
Thanks for reading Rochelle, as well as the suggestion. ‘The Wall beckons’ fitted in with the original draft of 170 words, but after a few cuts to reduce word count, I think it lost context. Have gone with your suggestion, as it works equally as well and also dropped word count a bit more, without losing feel, which is always a good thing.
August 14, 2014 at 10:08 am
There was a clear sense of impending conflict and danger in this piece, short though it was. The voice of the narrator is very convincing in its delivery. Well done.
August 14, 2014 at 4:49 pm
Thanks Sandra. Can’t make up my mind whether I prefer 1st or 3rd person when writing, but when 1st person works, it works really well
August 14, 2014 at 4:58 pm
I prefer to use first person, particularly in flash fiction, so I can then use ‘he’ and ‘she’ without having to waste words clarifying who is who, where there are more than 2 characters. The over-use of names to resolve any ambiguity always seems to stand out like a sore thumb in a short piece. Just what you feel comfortable with I suppose. I think this worked well.
August 14, 2014 at 5:11 pm
Was just thinking that 1st person suits the shorter story better as well. Not tried writing anything long in 1st person, but I imagine its difficult, as you also can’t “drift off” for descriptions like you can in 3rd
August 14, 2014 at 2:58 pm
What strikes me most in the story is the ending. “a duty to survive”.. it talks not so much about heroism but of what war is really about.. to get through… There is a sense of meaninglessness that you have captured I think.
August 14, 2014 at 4:10 pm
Thanks for reading Björn. Interesting you mentioned about heroism and a sense of meaninglessness. It’s easy to romanticise in this type of story, but I wanted a more gritty feel to it. Glad I managed to impart some of what wanted.
August 14, 2014 at 4:49 pm
I loved the atmosphere in this, I could picture him sat there in his Hessian boots, long coat, arrogant set to his chin….. Sorry I was getting a bit carried away there, lol. Great job 🙂
August 14, 2014 at 4:52 pm
No problem with getting carried away. Always worth knowing how the reader visualises a short story. Anyway, thanks for reading Helen.
August 14, 2014 at 11:48 pm
somehow i feel it was a lost cause. but hopefully, he’d find a way survive.
August 15, 2014 at 4:22 am
You never know what the future holds. Maybe the mountain will hold escape, or maybe not. But as you rightly said, it matters not unless he survives. Thank you for stopping by and reading!
August 15, 2014 at 12:23 pm
This is a wonderfully moody piece full of emotion. I agree with the 1st person 3rd person quandary. I’ve written an entire novel in first person an it’s worked well. The only issue was getting around saying “I” all the time.
August 15, 2014 at 1:10 pm
I enjoy the experience of writing 1st person, but I do find it quite an intensive process. I guess this is why my longer pieces fall into the more classic 3rd person. Regarding the “I”, I agree that it does get repetitive after a while. Anyway, thanks for stopping by.
August 15, 2014 at 3:10 pm
Weltchy,
Yes, “war beckons” makes sense here. So many differences lie between a 100-word story and a 170-word story, but I believe you’ve navigated the necessary trims well, leaving us with a beginning, middle and end. Good work.
Marie Gail
August 15, 2014 at 3:13 pm
Thank you Marie. Must admit that whilst what I published is enjoyable to read, it’s tempting to have expanded this story to maybe 1000 words and give it more depth and content.
August 15, 2014 at 3:16 pm
That’s one option. Or you could take this as one piece and write a series of stand-alone flashes that can also be read together as a collection to tell the full story. Have fun, whatever you do.
August 15, 2014 at 3:18 pm
stringing a few together also came to mind. And of course, thank you for reading
August 15, 2014 at 3:27 pm
I’ve sort of stumbled into doing that recently. In fact, my FF story this week is one of them. I’m getting much different responses from people who have read just this week’s story versus those who know the characters. I love that–it adds so much diversity to the reader response, and ever reader’s response is valid. Fun times!
August 15, 2014 at 4:21 pm
Interesting discussion re first vs third person. Dickens used first person in some of his works as did Jane Austen. They sold a few books.
So they do they duty. And die? Sad. Ban all flags.
August 15, 2014 at 4:54 pm
They did indeed. I think it good to try out the different styles, vary your point of view and see what works best for you. The heart of a story will shine through regardless of form, as long as it is told well. And of course, thank you for stopping by.
August 15, 2014 at 4:54 pm
I would hope they survive till morning. Hope or salvation could be just round the corner
August 16, 2014 at 7:07 am
“a duty to survive”– an honest line, i like that a lot. i also loved the voice in this one. your story made me miss the game of thrones series. can’t wait for 2015. 🙂
August 16, 2014 at 7:22 am
Me too, though I have to watch the last few episodes of series four as I missed them. Thanks for reading!
August 17, 2014 at 1:21 am
Very good, Weltchy! I was in it all the way. Fields and moors and whatever else, good experience.
August 17, 2014 at 12:46 pm
Thanks for stopping by Kent. Glad to have added your experiences this weekend!
August 17, 2014 at 4:58 am
Nice writing voice, Weltchy. It felt intense, and definitely gritty. There’s nothing romantic about war, and dressing for it, putting his armour on, must have been a painstaking to know what lies ahead. I could feel the quiet in the room.
August 17, 2014 at 12:34 pm
Thanks for reading Amy. Glad you liked it.
August 17, 2014 at 3:01 pm
Weltchy, Good story with a realistic feel to it. What makes me sad is that children were and are sometimes caught up in it. I hope both he and his squire escape the fighting which will very well kill them both. Well written. —Susan
August 17, 2014 at 3:42 pm
I think I’ll have to do a follow up to this at some point. Already been mentioned in a previous comment. Regarding children, it is very sad and unavoidable unfortunately. Anyhow Susan, thank you very much for reading
August 17, 2014 at 4:28 pm
Good one.
August 17, 2014 at 5:17 pm
Thanks for swinging by Dawn
August 17, 2014 at 5:06 pm
Well done. I was right there hoping they find an escape through the mountains.
August 17, 2014 at 5:14 pm
Thank you for the kind words Russell. I think they may find a way through the mountain, though the journey most likely will prove difficult and arduous
August 18, 2014 at 9:09 am
A very atmospheric piece – I hope they make it. The word sojourn puzzled me?
August 18, 2014 at 9:32 am
Thanks for swinging by. In the context of the story, sojourn could be replaced with either journey or travels, but highlights that the journey may take considerable time, as in a temporary stay on the mountain as they journey through it. For me, it also means that the journey will be eventful and possibly hazardous.
August 18, 2014 at 2:28 pm
I was impressed by the depth you manage to bring to the character in so few words. Here, for instance: “I allow him his stoicism, if only to spare him the coming horror” – it immediately brings to mind all the previous battles the war-weary, pragmatic commander has seen, together with his understanding and compassion for those about to lose their innocence.
August 18, 2014 at 3:26 pm
I think knowing that the squire is so young before that specific line allows the reader a good contrast for the commander. A bit of luck and five or six reworks got me there. Anyway, thank you very much for taking to read as well as respond.
August 18, 2014 at 4:57 pm
Good historical detail in the language used – ‘A bouy of fifteen winters…’ And I liked the sentiment behind ‘I allow him his stoicism’. Your narrator portrays so much by what he doesn’t say in this. Well done.
August 18, 2014 at 5:08 pm
Thank you for the kind words Sarah. I almost dropped out ‘winters’ to save on word count, but the story seemed to not conjure the image I was after without it.
August 19, 2014 at 4:15 am
Dear Weltchy, It’s almost as if you were there! Fantastic writing – I feel I was there too! Great writing! Nan 🙂
August 19, 2014 at 5:03 am
Glad you enjoyed the story Nan
August 20, 2014 at 6:03 pm
This is an excellent piece. Your choice of words created a sense of a particular time frame, but at the same time allowing the reader to chose a period. And those same words make this story flow like a river, deep and strong. Wonderful!
August 20, 2014 at 6:07 pm
Thank you very much, high praise indeed. Must admit, I enjoyed writing this story, and I’m glad that a lot of people enjoyed it too!